He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize