you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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