Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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