My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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