girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
time to smoke my breakfast
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Randomize
