Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
