hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Just figured out my hair is long enough to tie my wrists together. . .get over here NOW!
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
