we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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