we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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