sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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