What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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