I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
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