i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
