Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
