Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
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