new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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