Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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