i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
