i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
