Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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