birth control should be required to get into college
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
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