Church boner. Awkwardddd
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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