they say Disney World is the happiest place on Earth. It's a close second to the Super 8 on route 18. That place holds some great memories.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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