I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
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