My underwear smells like fireworks.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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