(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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