Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
