I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm determined to sit on that face.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
