I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
