I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize