How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
