you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
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