end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Hippo gnu deer
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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