Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
Randomize
