He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
