Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize