I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
