make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
Randomize
