Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Randomize
