Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
