i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
