If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
there is puke in my bra ... again
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
