White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
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