dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
Randomize
