this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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