Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
Randomize
