It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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