so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Randomize
