Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
