Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
Randomize
