Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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