Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
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