Umm I'm too high to move.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
