In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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