When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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