you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
