oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
