I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Randomize
