She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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