I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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