now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
