My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Vodka?
Forever.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
