so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
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