so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
