literally had 100 drinks last night.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize