Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
