Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I looked at my own cervix.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
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