she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I cockslap morals
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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